He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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