bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
