1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
