Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
