So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
