Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
