I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
