Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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