WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
