He uses pillows to masturbate.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
