my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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