I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
