Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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