the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
