she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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