Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize