Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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