Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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