the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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