ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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