Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
