Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
