i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
