can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize