What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
