Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
