I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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