I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
