Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
