i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
