We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
