I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
