like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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