I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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