gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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