Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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