And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
