The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
