Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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