From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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