Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
