i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
