Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
