i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
