everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
