1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
