I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
