I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
