happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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