i just sent this text using only my big toe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
