dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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