can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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