Where did you get a picture of my penis
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
