Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
