I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
