The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
