I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
