I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think I just sharted jello shots
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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