Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
