I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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