jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
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